Feb 8, 2022: Still figuring out Why.

When I was 5 or so (before we moved into the apartment in Morristown, NJ), I have many memories of waking up very early, before everyone else, and going outside to watch the dawn. I still do that more days than not.

One morning, back when I was 5, I got up, went down to the kitchen and took a paring knife from a drawer. It was the only knife I was allowed to use. Our housekeeper/nanny, Zena, would let me stand on a chair and help sometimes. It maybe had a 3″ blade and a gray, wooden handle.

Anyway, I took that knife outside with me and crawled into a stand of bushes that grew behind the house (Rhododendron? Hydrangea? It had flowers.) Under the bushes was a secret spot just big enough for a little girl to wiggle in and feel like she was hidden. I used to play there a lot.

I took the knife and made a shallow slice across the palm of my hand. Enough to get a few drops of blood to squeeze out onto the ground. With each drop, I made a vow. The vow was that I would NEVER GROW UP.

I have no idea where I got the idea to do this. I adored Peter Pan (with Mary Martin) and believed in him as much as in Santa Claus. Maybe from that? But a blood oath? A pirate story? I know I was aware that being a grown up seemed boring and like nothing would ever be fun or new again and I wasn’t having any part of it.

Until I was in my 40s, the scar from that little cut was faint but visible on my right palm. I looked at it every day and remembered that vow. Maybe that’s a piece of why I am drawn to live in a place like this….it feels like a child’s world under a big bush: new, exciting, hidden, and never boring.